Sunday, June 3, 2012

"Oh, shut up! I'm Trying to READ!"

"Oh, reeeeally?! I learned to do that years ago! And what is it you're reading? A bit of Petrarchian verse, is it? A little bit of French drama?"

As a person that, until recently, has never had a gluttonous, insatiable compulsion to self-educate, I have come to the conclusion that my repository of important historical events, artwork, literature and sciences is more hollow and dusty than I would ideally prefer it.  In other words, I don't know shit 'bout nothin'. At least it feels that way to me.

I've already taken some steps to intelligsize myself (one of which is obviously not discontinuing my use of made-up words): I read some books about astrophysics (fancy talk for astronomy), I've gone back to school, I've stopped smashing cans into my forehead for money (and fun!).  

But, since I am trying to develop my writing skills, and you know, fulfill my lifelong dream of become a professional writer, I thought it was time that I began to stuff my brain with writing relevancies instead of random movie quotes, obscure British T.V shows from the 80's factoids, and entire Simpson's episodes.  Seriously, I know SO much Simpson's dialogue, it's both the coolest and the most geekiest thing in the Universe.

I did some googlin' and some yahooin' and some... ask jeevesin', I guess, and found that in 1998 a place called the Modern Library made a list of the 100 best novels in modern literature.  Then they did some kind of readers poll, because it's a 'free country' and everyone's 'entitled to their own opinion'.  Pff! I didn't use that amateur-hour list full of crap!  I used the one complied by professionals, acting professionally. Can you even imagine?!

Anyway, I took a look at this list, and was shocked that I wasn't even aware of most of these titles and authors, let alone the fact that I haven't read them!  Nothing makes you feel stupider than staring a list of 100 of the best books ever written (in English and published after 1900, of course) and not having any idea what's going on.  So guess what?  I'm gonna read 'em.  Yessiree, I am.  

Now, I have read a few, 4 counts as a few, dammit! I really don't remember them though, so I may have to re-read.  I've seen some movies based on a couple of these books, that totally counts, right?  No, it doesn't, you're right.  You're always right and it makes me sick inside!!

I've been wondering how to tackle this list, which is a daunting dilemma since I am obsessed with organization and spreadsheets and stuff.  Yeah, I'm going to make a spreadsheet.  And, also yes, I am ashamed at my spreadsheet geektasticness.  So, do I read 1-100? 100-1? By Author?  There are several authors listed more than once.  

Number one is James Joyce's Ulysses, which I recently got from the library.  I've read about 10-15 pages, and I think it's going to consume massive amounts of brain power in order to get through it.  I'm starting to think I'll go the 100-1 route.  Or just do it randomly by what interests me most.  Whatevs. 

But don't despair, this blog won't turn into my personal English class, with constant book reports and blatant attempts at flattery and gift-giving in order to receive the A+ that will simultaneously validate my existence and leave me desperate for more just like that first hit of sweet, sweet candy (candy being a slang term for crack cocaine, if anyone isn't as street as I).  Awwww, yeah.  


There'll still be weird posts whenever I can think of something weird to post about.  I'll just stick in my two cents about a book when I happen to finish one.  Since I'm a parent, full-time college student, and generally lazy to a point where it couldn't possibly be healthy blogger that is also trying to author some fiction and create my own brand of martial arts (spoonitsu: the ancient art of scooping out someone's eyes with a spoon.  Then probably taunting them until they commit suicide or something.  I don't know, I haven't worked out all the kinks yet), I probably won't burning through these books too fast.  Not literally burning them, in case anyone was worried. Or stupid. 

I won't show you my spreadsheet though.  Some things are private. 

Updated 12/9/12- changed an improper 'to' to a 'too'.  I disgust myself.

1 comment:

  1. AnonymousJune 05, 2012

    i know all those books and have read them ten times EACH. yah. especially that one about the stuff and the girl in Paris ....

    don't look at me like that! i'm not really anonymous, it's me! your sis-tor as the animated dexter would say. i love COFFEE!!